I was reading her blog
that night, going into the past months' archives to find out what she's been writing about me. Nothing good, I'm afraid. In fact, if my name were on it, it would be slanderous, but my name wasn't on it. (more like “you”, “he” “you know who you are” type of thing. After what I thought was a long time (maybe not as long as I thought) she didn't seem to learn a thing. I'm going to post her poem without her name on it because damned if I do and damned if I don't. Kind of like our old relationship, either way I do something, she wouldn't like it, so, like what the fuck? Right? It seemed that she had one decent poem a while back, but she took it down and replaced it with more nasty stuff. So this is what I'm dealing with. (She puts “copyrighted” or whatever on them. I doubt she really copyrighted anything. Doesn't that cost money? She probably just wrote it down. Anyway, some of the stuff she supposedly “copyrighted” is decent, but some of it is garbage, and I can't imagine why she would write “copyright” on it, as if someone might steal it and say it was theirs. Humph. Right. Well, this is almost as much time as I'm gonna spend on this non-relationship. She used to hate me because I didn't put hours and hours and hours and hours every damn day discussing The Relationship, so I couldn't get on with my day and my life fell apart. And it never did any good anyway, even when I put the whole day in on it, just so she'd know that I was concerned. And I was. Just not concerned enough to stop eating and shitting.
“Or was it just a shadow I was chasing?” is an allusion to a Bob Dylan song,
Mr. Tambourine Man. And the promise was the one referred to in her poem. (The one that disappeared)
(Her poem is below mine, I had saved it)
The last time we spoke I had complained about my kitchen being void of certain items she took. They were hers, technically, so she got all defensive and I had thought she missed the point. However, she called back and left a message which I never responded to, that said I want to do something positive, so tell me what you need for the kitchen, and I'll bring it over.
Like I said, she missed the point. I can't even articulate it without poetry, and possibly an analogy. She HATED analogies. Part of the baggage I had to deal with (She admitted that that had nothing to do with me, it was from a previous BF. I just had the fallout from it all over me.
I just can't explain the kitchen thing. I speak and it's as if I am speaking ancient Greek to a deaf cat.
The call before that call and the call that lead up to it...
I said You shit up my house and she hung up. And called back to tell me why she hung up, so I told her why I said she shit up my house, and that the house was never hers. We still disagree on that.
If you have a house, a home, and you buy a million dollars worth of furniture for it, for example, it's still not yours if your behavior turns it into a strife-den, and the neighbors are ready to kick it out. What makes a home is peace and respect, neither of which I could get. It was like a war – a major effort to deprive me of peace and respect...and liberty, liberty granted me by the US Constitution.
Am I speaking Ancient Greek to a deaf cat? Fuckin' makes sense to me.
She also broke into my room (technically breaking and entering is breaking a barrier, an invisible line, where you have been told not to go.) and stole 3 pages of nasty names and adjectives she had screamed or scoffed at me in a period of like 2 or 3 weeks. She thought that that would make it go away, just like the disappearing poem. But it didn't. I was called, among the other nasty names, a pathetic loser. I can't take that talk from anyone, much less from someone who wants to share my skin.
The biggest beef I had right away with her poem was about this stanza:
When you think about
The sad and painful things
That live inside your heart
And that I loved them too
Just 'cause they're part of you
The sad and painful things
That live inside your heart
And that I loved them too
Just 'cause they're part of you
It's complete bullshit. The sad and painful things inside my heart she collected and used for ammunition against me, getting personal, mentioning my ex-wife and my kid, and any other idea she could get her hands on to make me sadder and madder, heavily sprinkled with every insult and snotty sarcastic phrase she could wrack her distrurbed little brain to come up with. And then she writes sweet little poems and posts pretty little pictures It especially irks me that she should post the paintings of Adam and Eve, the paintings that were lost/damaged in a move somewhere (not my fault). Why does it irk me? Because it says like this:
God said unto Eve, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."
The poems tell the rest.
My poem:
The One Kind Poem
The one kind poem
Or should I say the much less nasty one
Disappeared
As if
It would mean I never read it
Or printed it
Out.
(But I did) not have to write: (But I did). Right?
And although it was , as usual, misguided and one-sided
(Your side)
It almost sounded like it (almost) resembled
Someone I once knew
And Loved
Someone wanting a promise honored
A promise that was never made.
Someone who was hungry
But walked right past their food
Without even noticing it,
Complaining.
While the food rotted.
No, but I thought that I was the one who was promised
Something. Someone.
Or was it just a shadow I was chasing?
It was, must have been, yes, because
You ran from your own house
Because you didn't like the rules
To someone else's house
Where the rules are exactly the same, plus one:
There you are alone
(Or at least minus me.)
And the more light shone
The more the shadow faded
Until
I knew
It was a shadow all along.
And all along I really Loved
No one but who I wished you were
While you Loved
Who you wished I was.
And so we lost
Nothing, really.
Or should I say the much less nasty one
Disappeared
As if
It would mean I never read it
Or printed it
Out.
(But I did) not have to write: (But I did). Right?
And although it was , as usual, misguided and one-sided
(Your side)
It almost sounded like it (almost) resembled
Someone I once knew
And Loved
Someone wanting a promise honored
A promise that was never made.
Someone who was hungry
But walked right past their food
Without even noticing it,
Complaining.
While the food rotted.
No, but I thought that I was the one who was promised
Something. Someone.
Or was it just a shadow I was chasing?
It was, must have been, yes, because
You ran from your own house
Because you didn't like the rules
To someone else's house
Where the rules are exactly the same, plus one:
There you are alone
(Or at least minus me.)
And the more light shone
The more the shadow faded
Until
I knew
It was a shadow all along.
And all along I really Loved
No one but who I wished you were
While you Loved
Who you wished I was.
And so we lost
Nothing, really.
How can a just a mere shadow
Leave such a horrible void
In The House?
I guess it can
Because even a little shade
Can keep me from getting burned.
Leave such a horrible void
In The House?
I guess it can
Because even a little shade
Can keep me from getting burned.
Her poem:
Someday
When we were growing up
It was a game to us
To love and to play
And then run away.
And we thought we knew
All there was to know
In such a rush to grow...
Now it's all behind us
And yet it drives us on
Things that didn't go right
The things that went wrong...
I wrote this song to you
Because I Hope
That you want to be
The one you promised me
So long ago, So long ago.
When you think about
The sad and painful things
That live inside your heart
And that I loved them too
Just 'cause they're part of you
Will you let yourself feel
And find a way to heal
Will you finally see
All the love within me
Or will you let the dream die
To keep it all inside
Where it's easier to hide
It away, Hide it away...
When you don't know what to say
And you can't keep it all at bay...
Forever... Don't hide it away...
When you wanna make it go away
And you won't talk to me to day
Will you ever?
I'm singing this song for you
Because I hope
That you really want to be
The One You Promised Me
Did you forget that I know
Much more than I show
I've known you for So
Long
And I Hope
So Deep In My Heart
That You Really Want To Be
The One You Promised Me
So Long Ago, So Long Ago.
When we were growing up
It was a game to us
To love and to play
And then run away.
And we thought we knew
All there was to know
In such a rush to grow...
Now it's all behind us
And yet it drives us on
Things that didn't go right
The things that went wrong...
I wrote this song to you
Because I Hope
That you want to be
The one you promised me
So long ago, So long ago.
When you think about
The sad and painful things
That live inside your heart
And that I loved them too
Just 'cause they're part of you
Will you let yourself feel
And find a way to heal
Will you finally see
All the love within me
Or will you let the dream die
To keep it all inside
Where it's easier to hide
It away, Hide it away...
When you don't know what to say
And you can't keep it all at bay...
Forever... Don't hide it away...
When you wanna make it go away
And you won't talk to me to day
Will you ever?
I'm singing this song for you
Because I hope
That you really want to be
The One You Promised Me
Did you forget that I know
Much more than I show
I've known you for So
Long
And I Hope
So Deep In My Heart
That You Really Want To Be
The One You Promised Me
So Long Ago, So Long Ago.
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